My past has made me. It is what it is. I thank the good and the bad for it has molded me. It has made me into this unique creature that has never existed and will never will. This is me. The raw and the authentic. The whole and the broken. I am not perfect - very far from it. I feel like I have this hole inside me. And I don't know what to fill it with. I know nothing external can fill it. I have to fill it. But my attempts to fill it with things give rise to other beautiful things. To poems, writings, ideas and knowledge seeking. It takes me places. So why should I give it up. I am this way. I accept me. The good, bad and the disgusting. And I show it. If you don't like it, you are free to go. If you can't handle it, you are free to leave. But I am here. I will be around for me. Always. Till my last breath.
My yoga teacher, who knows a lot about me and my story, recently asked me "what do you like about yourself, what is your true essence?". I gave the usual answer that I have been giving myself for most of my life - that I am kind, generous, helpful etc. etc. That was not the answer he was looking for. He said those things are in relation to other people i.e. these traits are what I think other people perceive me as. But what is really MY true essence and what do I like about MYSELF. He gave me a week to think about it. That did get me thinking. I talked to some friends about it over the week. I realised how much of my self-perception is dictated by other people. And it has been like that all my life. What I think of myself is really what I think others think of me. Or what I want others to think of me. But if I take other people out of the equation, what am I? What is my true essence? The more I thought, the more I realised that my true essence is creativity. Looking back...
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