I have been in my "head" a lot of my life. Intellectualizing everything. Having a largely analytical mind doesn't help with that. Not that it is all a bad thing - but life loses some flavor if I am in my head most of the time. The other day I was at the museum with a friend seeing a new exhibition. The first half of it, I was in my head - thinking what the artists were trying to express. Intellectualizing art. Then I realized that is not the point of art. So for the next art installation I deliberately shut down my mind. I stopped thinking and all the chatter and just tried to feel. And it was a beautiful experience. I felt sadness, I felt fear, I even felt some excitement. And I didn't think. I just was there, experiencing.
My yoga teacher, who knows a lot about me and my story, recently asked me "what do you like about yourself, what is your true essence?". I gave the usual answer that I have been giving myself for most of my life - that I am kind, generous, helpful etc. etc. That was not the answer he was looking for. He said those things are in relation to other people i.e. these traits are what I think other people perceive me as. But what is really MY true essence and what do I like about MYSELF. He gave me a week to think about it. That did get me thinking. I talked to some friends about it over the week. I realised how much of my self-perception is dictated by other people. And it has been like that all my life. What I think of myself is really what I think others think of me. Or what I want others to think of me. But if I take other people out of the equation, what am I? What is my true essence? The more I thought, the more I realised that my true essence is creativity. Looking back...
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