Finding order in randomness. Finding randomness in order.

I have been in my "head" a lot of my life. Intellectualizing everything. Having a largely analytical mind doesn't help with that. Not that it is all a bad thing - but life loses some flavor if I am in my head most of the time. The other day I was at the museum with a friend seeing a new exhibition. The first half of it, I was in my head - thinking what the artists were trying to express. Intellectualizing art.  Then I realized that is not the point of art. So for the next art installation I deliberately shut down my mind. I stopped thinking and all the chatter and just tried to feel. And it was a beautiful experience. I felt sadness, I felt fear, I even felt some excitement. And I didn't think. I just was there, experiencing.

My past has made me. It is what it is. I thank the good and the bad for it has molded me. It has made me into this unique creature that has never existed and will never will. This is me. The raw and the authentic. The whole and the broken. I am not perfect - very far from it. I feel like I have this hole inside me. And I don't know what to fill it with. I know nothing external can fill it. I have to fill it. But my attempts to fill it with things give rise to other beautiful things. To poems, writings, ideas and knowledge seeking. It takes me places. So why should I give it up. I am this way. I accept me. The good, bad and the disgusting. And I show it. If you don't like it, you are free to go. If you can't handle it, you are free to leave. But I am here. I will be around for me. Always. Till my last breath.