Finding order in randomness. Finding randomness in order.

Free Will is the idea that we are in conscious control of our actions. That there is something called "I" that decides. Sam Harris argues eloquently that there is no such thing as "I". This is not a new idea. This has been explored in India millennia ago. According to this idea, there is no "thinker of thoughts" that sits in the head. There are just thoughts. And there is consciousness - the pure experience of just being. There is no coherent, continuos being that is consistently there from moment to moment. That idea of "I" is actually an illusion. An elaborate and extremely convincing one. The idea of self that we all have is just a construct of our minds. It is not real. It is more like a summary movie that the mind plays in creating the illusion of continuity and coherence. I think memory plays a big role in creating this sense of self. Think of it this way - there are multiple processes running in the brain and they all share the same memo...

If life were a cupcake, I would kill myself since I don't do sugar and carbs. It's funny but not funny. Because this is exactly what we do to life. Life is indeed a cupcake, but we have all these rules and pre-conceived notions that prevent us from enjoying it. The essence of a cupcake is sugar and carbs, you can't change that. So why not accept it and enjoy it. After all you get only one cupcake. Sure, it feels guilty but it also tastes so damn good. And that is ok. There is no "catch" to a good life. I think this is what they mean when they say live life to the fullest. Easier said than done. As for me, I still don't do sugar and carbs. I am doomed I guess.

My yoga teacher, who knows a lot about me and my story, recently asked me "what do you like about yourself, what is your true essence?". I gave the usual answer that I have been giving myself for most of my life - that I am kind, generous, helpful etc. etc. That was not the answer he was looking for. He said those things are in relation to other people i.e. these traits are what I think other people perceive me as. But what is really MY true essence and what do I like about MYSELF. He gave me a week to think about it. That did get me thinking. I talked to some friends about it over the week. I realised how much of my self-perception is dictated by other people. And it has been like that all my life. What I think of myself is really what I think others think of me. Or what I want others to think of me. But if I take other people out of the equation, what am I? What is my true essence? The more I thought, the more I realised that my true essence is creativity. Looking back...